Arachnos Mutagenics Updates

The shareholders have decided that a life insurance and liberal leave policy is needed to bring in more Lab Assistants. Therefore, we have set up the comprehensive November 13th Fund. In memorium of Lab Director Dr. Garfield Fenster a general injury and funerary arrangment combined fund is maintained for each member in their name upon joining. It is also hoped that this peace of mind will contribute to enhanced loyalty in the face of assault, knowing that disability and funeral costs are covered.

Scientists may have stumbled upon a grand formula for locomotion based on fluid dynamics. Their models of efficient locomotion do not take into account teleportation, but I think we can all agree teleportation is needlessly exhausting. Kind of like golf.

With the latest discoveries about Narwhals, we think we can finally start our unicorn accoutrements program at full steam. This final missing piece, the idea that we could offer body modifications that were useful as well, is finally coming to fruition. Marketing is taking over, however, and our initial plans have been scrapped for a potential cross-marketing with “Lisa Frank.” Accordingly, the horns will not be marketed initially in “black, ebony, jet, onyx, and coal” but instead “tutti-frutti, pink, mauve, taupe, jasmine, emerald and papayawhip.”

Recently, the wooly mammoth genome, the nuclear DNA, was partially sequenced from frozen fossilized specimins. This astounded some in the scientific community. Some. We’ve long held that this is not only possible but necessary, and have a long history of frustration with the pace of research and innovation. This finally gives voice to our hope of fully sequencing extinct species to bring their product development potential to market, and allows us to pursue our interests in fossil DNA without risk of scorn and ridicule from the scientific community at large by delivering a big fat “I told you so!”

As the discoverer put it, “Mitochondria is so 1980s.”

We couldn’t agree more. So we call upon the rest of the community to put away their parachute pants, fat laces and “hair” bands and join us in the adult world of today. The world of gigantic preserved wooly mammoth heads and all the potential they represent!

Our first sampling of Plant Dominator DNA uncovers a mechanism similar to that exposed recently by the Max Planck Institute. They appear to release a viral DNA sequence that infects local vegetation and then alters the ratio of stem cells in the organism causing it to grow at an astonishing rate. In addition, some augment this with a constant spray of auxin. This has directed us to form two conclusions:

Plant Dominators
1. are highly infectious, prone to ecologically damaging action and xenotransplantation accidents
2. probably have really green lawns

Scientists in Spain have uncovered a chemical that may allow the brain to survive in the face of stroke or other adverse event. Would this work on other tissues? Could it prevent more cell damage and allow survival beyond normal limits? Are all of the Vahzilok flies due to B.O.?

Stay tuned for our inside report: Science of Vahzilok after our twelve-part report on Crey Industries.

We’ve recently learned that the Crey building in the Nerva Archipeligo has been giving tentative “public relations” tours. In an effort to bring to the fore the true intentions of this corporation, we will be offering a continuing series of articles on their actions and uncovered intent.

We start with just establishing that, yes, they have a presence in the Rogue Isles. We’ve had a few brave Lab Assistants lost in this endeavor, but true to our cause of the progress of science, it was not to no end. Our first “photographs,” developed from a proprietary latent neuron image reading technology that involves dissection of remaining brain matter, were returned when we managed to fish the remains of our third operative out of the murky depths. As we recover more, we will pass on the images and the interpretations to the masses so that all might know what we have long suspected.

We’ll begin with the photographs of the outdoor holding area, reminiscent of Guantanamo Bay. The inital recovered images, which we will be publishing later, disclosed a number of known organisms being held such as Rikti Monkeys, “Empty Chambers,” some of the “Devouring Earth” organisms, and this current image: of an organism we’ve not seen before. It resembles some of our own technology; if it is, it is a blatent trademark violation and would represent the illicit production of a prototype model and trademarked technology. Stay tuned.